I still worry.

I saw a lot of different people this weekend.  That's the way holiday weekends usually end up, right?  An extra day off from work, random gatherings, a little less stress - that's why they are the best weekends :).

I ventured slightly off-topic there.  Basically, I was getting at the fact that people from all different parts of my life were in it this weekend, and they all asked about me.  My life.  My blog.  And what my ex thought of it all.

And to be honest -  I have no idea.  I haven't publicized the blog a ton, so it's not like everyone I know is reading it.  I don't know if he knows it even exists.  But their questions definitely made me think about what he would think. 

It gets into a part of the differences that we had (not good or bad, just a different outlook).  I shared everything.  I like to talk things out.  I like to get opinions from others.  And although I wouldn't blog/tweet/Facebook every detail of my life, I don't mind sharing with the internet.  He isn't quite the same.  Just a lot more private.  I am sure that the idea that I am blogging all of this is stressful to him.  And I don't mean for it to be.  I just need to get these thoughts out, and he might not need to. 

But, it still worries me that he might read something and take it the wrong way.  It's not easy for me, this new life.  But some days are better than others.  And I should be okay with that, right?  But I don't want to hurt any feelings, especially his.  I still worry about that.  I don't know if that ever goes away.

Unexpected.

It arrived like a warm blanket on a cold night.  It surrounded me and encompassed every part of me.  It felt heavy, the weight of it almost unbelieveable.  But it wasn't just around me, it was in my mind, my sight, my thoughts.

But it's summer.  And it's 90 degrees in the shade.  So it's not just a blanket that I am speaking of.

It's loneliness.  Or depression.  Or both.

And it's hit me harder than I expected at this point in time.  I think that I expected this to be behind me.  But it's not.