Sometimes I don't want to blog.

My first thought when I am sad or upset is not to blog.  If anything, I use it as an excuse to avoid blogging.  As I said a few posts ago, I thought that this area would be my outlet, and it actually became a scarier place than I originally imagined.

But, I promised Nicole so much on my Pursuit of Happyness.  And that included regular blogging.  I think that she is giving me an easy pass on the past two weeks - a lot of pre-user conference blogging in addition to exhaustion - basically she isn't harassing me about the blogging.  (And I appreciate it!).  But here I am.

Back to the point - I'm here tonight, and I don't want to be.

Getting out of the relationship wasn't easy.  Far from it.  But I did it.  And I was okay.  I really was.  But then sometimes I realize that I lost my best friend, in addition to my boyfriend.  And that is so hard.  Some days there are just things that I want to talk about, work through, have someone comfort me on. And who is that person now??  I do feel especially lost at moments like this.  Am I that crazy person that talks to her dogs?  The answer is yes.  But they don't hold my hand, or give me advice, or tell me that it is all going to be okay.  They smile up at me with their loving eyes, and silently wish for me to give them another treat.

But they don't tell me what to do or how to handle things.  So I tell them I am fine.  I tell everyone I am fine.  Because I will be.  I will be just fine by the time tomorrow morning rolls around.

And so on nights like this, I don't want to blog.  I don't want to do anything.  I want to talk to my best friend.

But I blog.  Because that is what this is for.  Because that's why this blog was started.  And because I know that I am not the only person that has felt like this before.

I still worry.

I saw a lot of different people this weekend.  That's the way holiday weekends usually end up, right?  An extra day off from work, random gatherings, a little less stress - that's why they are the best weekends :).

I ventured slightly off-topic there.  Basically, I was getting at the fact that people from all different parts of my life were in it this weekend, and they all asked about me.  My life.  My blog.  And what my ex thought of it all.

And to be honest -  I have no idea.  I haven't publicized the blog a ton, so it's not like everyone I know is reading it.  I don't know if he knows it even exists.  But their questions definitely made me think about what he would think. 

It gets into a part of the differences that we had (not good or bad, just a different outlook).  I shared everything.  I like to talk things out.  I like to get opinions from others.  And although I wouldn't blog/tweet/Facebook every detail of my life, I don't mind sharing with the internet.  He isn't quite the same.  Just a lot more private.  I am sure that the idea that I am blogging all of this is stressful to him.  And I don't mean for it to be.  I just need to get these thoughts out, and he might not need to. 

But, it still worries me that he might read something and take it the wrong way.  It's not easy for me, this new life.  But some days are better than others.  And I should be okay with that, right?  But I don't want to hurt any feelings, especially his.  I still worry about that.  I don't know if that ever goes away.