Blame it on the SAD

I'm starting this post with a warning - I'm in a mood.

As I sit here in my living room, I look around with complete disgust.

I am usually VERY into the holidays.  As soon as I return to Indianapolis from my parent's home in Chicago (after Thanksgiving), I pull out the huge Rubbermaid bins of decorations at start turning my apartment into a winter wonderland.

Usually my home....with creative liberties.

There is one whole bin of ornaments and another that contains all kitchen stuff - that's right, I have different dishes for the holidays.  That doesn't even begin to tell you about all the stuff I have just for additional decoration.  I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS.

But this year has been strange.  There is none of the usual desire to pull everything out and decorate.  I know that I am going home for Christmas around the 17th, so that might be part of it.  Why decorate when I won't be here to enjoy it?  But even that doesn't seem normal for me.

So I blamed work - I've been busy!  But I don't know if that is really it either.  It seems that, much like the blog writing, I lack the motivation to actually do it.  The strange thing is that in terms of the "Pursuit of Happyness," I am actually happy.  And I still do many of the items on the list (even Nicole probably doesn't realize it!), but there are other things that make me happy outside of those.  The Christmas decorating just doesn't seem to be one of them.

I think there is probably the little voice in my head that wonders if it's because I'm lonely (a little) and there is really no one (besides Bo and Tucker) to decorate for.  I am not sure what the weird non-decorating desire comes from, but it's there.

Now - if you read yesterday, you know that I did actually brave the weather and a STAPLE GUN to decorate outside.  So I can't be completely void of Christmas spirit, right?  And I even put up a tree and put lights on it (and admittedly, the glow in the evenings as I read is quite nice).

I'm beginning to wonder if it's okay to blame it on SAD - you know, the disorder that stems from lack of sunlight and warmth?  I don't think I've ever had it, but this year, I think it's in full force.  At least that's my story.

Working Hard For The Money

In the past two posts, I alluded to a new job.

It's amazing how something like that can really change your outlook on things. 

I'm still with the same company, but after a lot of angst, trauma, and personal turmoil - I changed positions.  Changing positions isn't strange at my place of work.  In fact, it's rare to stay in one place for too long.  I was just in a rut.

It kind of fit with the place I feel like I have been in life - big changes and then...STUCK.  Just stuck.  Not sure what to do, almost too scared to go one way or another.  It happened in my personal life and then I left it happen at work.

It was dark.  My friends tried everything.  But I put so much of myself into what I was at work.  And despite knowing better, that was just the way I was.  So my unhappiness just wouldn't go away.

And finally, a light.  Opportunity from a few different places and support from some people that I truly look up to, and all of a sudden - whoosh.

So here I am in - a new job and what feels like a new lease on my career. 

I know better than to tie my self-worth into my job, but I can't help but feel like it changes me.  I really care about doing good work and being a really useful person to the company.  Feeling valuable and appreciated to a team is a big reason that I go to work everyday.  It also matters to me that people respect me and think that I do good work.

I feel like that holds true all the time now.

Is it just a job?  Yes.  Does it help me feel like I can do more, be more?  Yes.  Is that worth it?  Completely.

5 Days Until 13.1

That's right.

5 more days until I run the 13.1 miles that I have been training for.  By this time on Saturday night, I'll have 13 more miles on my shoes, a little more soreness in my body, and hopefully a beer in hand.

I waiver between confidence and fear.  I have done this before so I know that I can physically do it.  And despite the fact that I feel like I might not have trained as well as I could have, I know that I did 10 miles 2 weeks ago.

13 isn't that much more than 10....

But there is that sneaky little guy that sometimes lurks in the background of everything I do....he's dark and mysterious and always catches me when I am down.  Self-doubt doesn't hide.  It rears its head whenever I wish it would go far, far away.

I look up to so many runners in my life that do so much more than 13 miles.  I KNOW that I can do this.  If I can cheer them on, I can cheer myself on.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I will do this.

Sometimes I don't want to blog.

My first thought when I am sad or upset is not to blog.  If anything, I use it as an excuse to avoid blogging.  As I said a few posts ago, I thought that this area would be my outlet, and it actually became a scarier place than I originally imagined.

But, I promised Nicole so much on my Pursuit of Happyness.  And that included regular blogging.  I think that she is giving me an easy pass on the past two weeks - a lot of pre-user conference blogging in addition to exhaustion - basically she isn't harassing me about the blogging.  (And I appreciate it!).  But here I am.

Back to the point - I'm here tonight, and I don't want to be.

Getting out of the relationship wasn't easy.  Far from it.  But I did it.  And I was okay.  I really was.  But then sometimes I realize that I lost my best friend, in addition to my boyfriend.  And that is so hard.  Some days there are just things that I want to talk about, work through, have someone comfort me on. And who is that person now??  I do feel especially lost at moments like this.  Am I that crazy person that talks to her dogs?  The answer is yes.  But they don't hold my hand, or give me advice, or tell me that it is all going to be okay.  They smile up at me with their loving eyes, and silently wish for me to give them another treat.

But they don't tell me what to do or how to handle things.  So I tell them I am fine.  I tell everyone I am fine.  Because I will be.  I will be just fine by the time tomorrow morning rolls around.

And so on nights like this, I don't want to blog.  I don't want to do anything.  I want to talk to my best friend.

But I blog.  Because that is what this is for.  Because that's why this blog was started.  And because I know that I am not the only person that has felt like this before.

Lions & Tigers....& Spiders! Oh my!

In the process of everything that has been going on, I forgot to share that I had one of those "first" experiences that this blog is supposed to be about!  And besides that, this story really shows how much of a scaredy-cat I really am!

The other morning started out normally.  Wake up, walk the pups, shower, get ready for work.  Until I realized that sometime between walking the dogs and getting ready for work, a visitor had arrived in my apartment.  And it wasn't just any visitor...this one had 8 long legs, a disgusting body, and beady little eyes.

A SPIDER HAD ARRIVED.  And he certainly wasn't tiny.  In fact, it might have been the biggest spider I had ever seen.

Needless to say, I freaked out.  I absolutely HATE spiders.  I don't know why, but for as long I can remember they have been one of the things that I am the most scared of.  And for my whole life, someone has always been there to get rid of them.  My dad, my roommates, my boyfriend - all brave souls who made my world spider-free.

But now it's just me.  Tucker and Bobo proved to be useless, as I don't think they even noticed the intruder.  And as I was freaking out, the spider calmly moved to a location I could not reach him.  I missed my chance!  So as I finished getting ready, I would continually check on where I *thought* the spider was.  I was terrified he was poisonous (yes - it was that big), so I googled the first chance I got.  Of course, the images freaked me out, and that journey was short lived.  I am hoping that he escaped out however he got in, and the dogs will scare him from coming back!

So - what does a girl do now?  I don't know!  One of his little friends arrived later that night, and he met immediate death thanks to a good flip-flop.  Hopefully he shouted a warning to others venturing this way.  That should keep them away, right?  I also promptly purchased some Ortho Home Defense.  You'd better believe I stayed up late spraying that stuff.  Try getting in now, suckers.

The Dog Days of Summer

I know I promised a whole list of upcoming posts, but I had to write a short one about my day.

My Labor Day was uneventfully planned.  I didn't have a whole schedule of things to do, just a few ideas.  A little work, a little cleaning, a little laundry, a little running.  You know, standard "off day" things.

But there was one thing on my plan for today that I was really, really looking forward to - Dog Dayz Dog Swim at the Monon Center in Carmel.  Once a year (the last day that the pool is open for the season), the Monon Center opens the outdoor aquatic center to DOGS.  That's right - the whole pool becomes a dog's dream.  I have heard about it for the past few years, but have never been able to go.

But this year - Bo, Tucker, and I were all suiting up and checking this event out.

When I arrived, I was shocked!  I was about 15 minutes early and there were already at least 100 dogs waiting to get in.  The swim party was definitely more popular than I realized!  Luckily, the planner in me has pre-registered us.  So we avoided the lines and got right in. 

From there on out, it was CRAZY.  This was truly Bo's heaven.  He loves water, and he had never had an opportunity to try anything deeper than a kiddie pool.  He was in and out, jumping over slides and running into the deep water after tennis balls.  He was as happy as I have ever seen him!

Tucker was more hesitant.  He is not a fan of the kiddie pool, so I had no way to figure out what he would think of this.  He was okay up to his ankles, but he was more into playing with the other dogs and meeting all the people that were there!  He ended up nearly as wet, just never that deep into the water.

This sounds weird, but the event was a good exercise for me.  I took both dogs by myself, and was concerned that I wouldn't be able to watch them both, take care of them, get them on and off-leash (or what they would do once they were off-leash!).  But the whole experience was great!  They did run around, and I couldn't always see them.  But they always came when I called, and usually without me needing to.  They knew where I was, and would run back and check on me as needed.  I got over my fear of "losing" them pretty quickly, and it was great to do something so fun with them.  I ended up basically as wet as them, snapping pictures and running after them as much as possible!  You can see all the pictures I took right here:

We stayed about 90 minutes - it was PACKED the whole time.  Don't believe me - check out this video.  Ignore me - I was constantly asking Bo and Tucker to smile for the video!  But it does a great job of showcasing the experience.

Needless to say - it was probably one of the best things I have ever done with them, and I already cannot wait to do it again next year.  And the exhaustion that they are experiencing right now is definitely a great secondary benefit!

We're a pretty cute family - even with Tucker trying to eat his leash!

Don't You Forget About Me

I'd prefer to ignore it, but since I can't - I am just going to address this head on.

I'm a bad blogger.

There - I said it.  And it is really true, despite what you all may think.  It's been 2 MONTHS since my last post.  So you ask, "What happened?"  Or, "Are you okay?"  To which I have no answer.  Nothing happened.  I just stopped.  To be honest, blogging wasn't as cathartic as I thought it would be.  It was one more area of my life that I put pressure on myself to be witty, funny, perfect, etc...  Blogging was supposed to be an outlet, but I was still worried about what everyone thought.

So I stopped.  Or gave up.  Depends on the day for which answer you'll receive.  But I missed my blog.  I missed sharing things with the people in my life, and the ones that weren't in my life but stumbled upon it.

So I'm back.*  And I promise to be better (there's actually something forcing this, which will be a later blog).  But here's a sneak peak at the posts you'll be seeing soon:

• Breaking Through Part I
• The Pursuit of Happyness
• My TNT Training
• Girls Weekend
• Recruitment at Purdue 

And, I promise not to disappear again....at least until I fill you in on ALL of the things above!

*Tricia / BI - There will a lot of posting in the next few days.  I know you don't like it when Google Blogs spams you, so I am giving you fair warning!!

Unexpected.

It arrived like a warm blanket on a cold night.  It surrounded me and encompassed every part of me.  It felt heavy, the weight of it almost unbelieveable.  But it wasn't just around me, it was in my mind, my sight, my thoughts.

But it's summer.  And it's 90 degrees in the shade.  So it's not just a blanket that I am speaking of.

It's loneliness.  Or depression.  Or both.

And it's hit me harder than I expected at this point in time.  I think that I expected this to be behind me.  But it's not.