Sometimes I don't want to blog.

My first thought when I am sad or upset is not to blog.  If anything, I use it as an excuse to avoid blogging.  As I said a few posts ago, I thought that this area would be my outlet, and it actually became a scarier place than I originally imagined.

But, I promised Nicole so much on my Pursuit of Happyness.  And that included regular blogging.  I think that she is giving me an easy pass on the past two weeks - a lot of pre-user conference blogging in addition to exhaustion - basically she isn't harassing me about the blogging.  (And I appreciate it!).  But here I am.

Back to the point - I'm here tonight, and I don't want to be.

Getting out of the relationship wasn't easy.  Far from it.  But I did it.  And I was okay.  I really was.  But then sometimes I realize that I lost my best friend, in addition to my boyfriend.  And that is so hard.  Some days there are just things that I want to talk about, work through, have someone comfort me on. And who is that person now??  I do feel especially lost at moments like this.  Am I that crazy person that talks to her dogs?  The answer is yes.  But they don't hold my hand, or give me advice, or tell me that it is all going to be okay.  They smile up at me with their loving eyes, and silently wish for me to give them another treat.

But they don't tell me what to do or how to handle things.  So I tell them I am fine.  I tell everyone I am fine.  Because I will be.  I will be just fine by the time tomorrow morning rolls around.

And so on nights like this, I don't want to blog.  I don't want to do anything.  I want to talk to my best friend.

But I blog.  Because that is what this is for.  Because that's why this blog was started.  And because I know that I am not the only person that has felt like this before.

Lions & Tigers....& Spiders! Oh my!

In the process of everything that has been going on, I forgot to share that I had one of those "first" experiences that this blog is supposed to be about!  And besides that, this story really shows how much of a scaredy-cat I really am!

The other morning started out normally.  Wake up, walk the pups, shower, get ready for work.  Until I realized that sometime between walking the dogs and getting ready for work, a visitor had arrived in my apartment.  And it wasn't just any visitor...this one had 8 long legs, a disgusting body, and beady little eyes.

A SPIDER HAD ARRIVED.  And he certainly wasn't tiny.  In fact, it might have been the biggest spider I had ever seen.

Needless to say, I freaked out.  I absolutely HATE spiders.  I don't know why, but for as long I can remember they have been one of the things that I am the most scared of.  And for my whole life, someone has always been there to get rid of them.  My dad, my roommates, my boyfriend - all brave souls who made my world spider-free.

But now it's just me.  Tucker and Bobo proved to be useless, as I don't think they even noticed the intruder.  And as I was freaking out, the spider calmly moved to a location I could not reach him.  I missed my chance!  So as I finished getting ready, I would continually check on where I *thought* the spider was.  I was terrified he was poisonous (yes - it was that big), so I googled the first chance I got.  Of course, the images freaked me out, and that journey was short lived.  I am hoping that he escaped out however he got in, and the dogs will scare him from coming back!

So - what does a girl do now?  I don't know!  One of his little friends arrived later that night, and he met immediate death thanks to a good flip-flop.  Hopefully he shouted a warning to others venturing this way.  That should keep them away, right?  I also promptly purchased some Ortho Home Defense.  You'd better believe I stayed up late spraying that stuff.  Try getting in now, suckers.

I still worry.

I saw a lot of different people this weekend.  That's the way holiday weekends usually end up, right?  An extra day off from work, random gatherings, a little less stress - that's why they are the best weekends :).

I ventured slightly off-topic there.  Basically, I was getting at the fact that people from all different parts of my life were in it this weekend, and they all asked about me.  My life.  My blog.  And what my ex thought of it all.

And to be honest -  I have no idea.  I haven't publicized the blog a ton, so it's not like everyone I know is reading it.  I don't know if he knows it even exists.  But their questions definitely made me think about what he would think. 

It gets into a part of the differences that we had (not good or bad, just a different outlook).  I shared everything.  I like to talk things out.  I like to get opinions from others.  And although I wouldn't blog/tweet/Facebook every detail of my life, I don't mind sharing with the internet.  He isn't quite the same.  Just a lot more private.  I am sure that the idea that I am blogging all of this is stressful to him.  And I don't mean for it to be.  I just need to get these thoughts out, and he might not need to. 

But, it still worries me that he might read something and take it the wrong way.  It's not easy for me, this new life.  But some days are better than others.  And I should be okay with that, right?  But I don't want to hurt any feelings, especially his.  I still worry about that.  I don't know if that ever goes away.

Unexpected.

It arrived like a warm blanket on a cold night.  It surrounded me and encompassed every part of me.  It felt heavy, the weight of it almost unbelieveable.  But it wasn't just around me, it was in my mind, my sight, my thoughts.

But it's summer.  And it's 90 degrees in the shade.  So it's not just a blanket that I am speaking of.

It's loneliness.  Or depression.  Or both.

And it's hit me harder than I expected at this point in time.  I think that I expected this to be behind me.  But it's not.

The "Splitting" In Splitting Up

There's a lot that has to happen as you separate your life from someone else's.  Granted, we didn't own property or have joint bank accounts, but there is still plenty of stuff that needs to be taken care of/divided up/dealt with.

I planned for that.  I knew some of it wouldn't be easy.  Dogs had to be talked about, cellphones unjoined, furniture divided.  There's the uncomfortable discussion about bills that remained to be paid.  I even thought about Facebook, and how we actually weren't "linked" in a relationship on the social network.  It was a relief to not think about flooding everyone's News Feed with "Liz is no longer in a relationship."

However, I didn't plan for the disintegration of our "social" friendships.  I was unfriended on Facebook yesterday, and it was shocking and sort of hurt.  I discovered it purely by chance, a perfect mesh of timing.  

**To be honest, I didn't discover it at all, a friend did....

What's the appropriate response to that?  Obviously I can't do anything about it, but it is one of those things that I wonder about the etiquette.  Is unfriending the ex a standard?  What's the timeframe on it?  Is it ever appropriate for either party to re-friend?

I respect the idea that this might be part of his grieving process.  Part of the way he is also separating things out of his life.  And I want to make that process easy on him, or at least make it not painful.  But it doesn't mean I was prepared for this.  I am so curious about the thought process and reasoning behind it.

So many questions.  Just not so many answers.

Uncharted Territory

Okay, so maybe the title here is a little dramatic.  However, it's very, very true for me - dating is completely uncharted waters for me.

As noted earlier, my last relationship lasted a long time (longer than most hamsters live).  And although I dated in high school - that's not really adult dating.  And college - well, college dating should be in its own category for so many reasons.  Here are a few:

• "Dates" are almost always on campus.
• You can usually pay the bill with your ID Card.
• Going back to someone's house involves a fraternity, and sometimes a cold dorm (if you don't know what those are, be thankful.).
• Once you are officially "together," it's pretty rare that you continue to do the "dating."  Basically, you live like college students and promise to go home together after the bar closes.

Even after college, my previous boyfriend and I rarely "dated."  And let's be honest - I think I paid the bill as frequently as he did.

**Important side note - I am completely a modern girl.  I don't mind paying or splitting.  But there is something to be said for feeling taken care of or treated special every now and again!

So, now the uncharted territory makes a little more sense.  I haven't done this.  I haven't given cute boys my number, or gone on dates, or worried about how the after-dinner kiss will be.

It makes me really nervous.  I am not good in new situations - I get wrapped up in trying to be appealing/perfect/etc.... and then I get awkward.  And what if conversation runs out!?  What's a go-to topic?  Clearly, according to this news clipping (circa 1955), I should not talk about my dress.  Got it.  I am a preparer, but I do get that notecards would be weird (or would they....).

So I hem and haw and wait.  Inevitably my first date will be painfully awkward, but maybe after the first one, I'll at least have some idea of how it is all supposed to go.

T-Minus 2 Days Until "The Move"

The week has been a busy one.  This is the "big week" - only 2 more days before I officially move and live by myself for the first time.  On top of that, I am trying to keep up with my Team in Training runs.  Oh, and have I mentioned it's about 98% humidity??  (It would be since I have to move!)

I have been having mixed feelings about moving out.  I loved this townhome.  I loved the backyard for Bo and Tucker.  And I especially loved the SPACE.  A three bedroom townhouse was maybe excessive originally, but now I love having all the space.  Officially, the panic has set in that I have too much stuff for my new tiny space.

My parents arrive tomorrow, and thank goodness for that.  I need my mom to help pack and my dad to entertain the pups so they aren't underfoot!  But more than anything, I need the calm that they bring with them.  I think the pups are wondering what is going on here....they certainly could afford to help pack a little bit more!

Single....and Loving It?

It's official.  I'm single.

I get that the statement above isn't really that special.  But it's pretty life-changing for me.  I have been with the same person for 6.5 years, and my decision to end the relationship wasn't an easy one.  We live (lived?) together for the past 3 years, and had been making life decisions as a couple for what feels like forever.

I agonized over what I was doing, the whole time knowing that I was making the right decision.  And after I verbalized "I'm unhappy," the ball of "being single" started rolling.  So now, I am single, 25, and embarking on a really big new journey.

Everything is going to be new.  I've never lived alone.  I've never been on a real date (high school and college no longer count).  In 6 years, I have never made a decision that was all about me.  And all of a sudden, I am only making decisions for me.

Everyone asks how I am doing.  And I appreciate it.  But the best way to explain how I feel is to liken it to a graduation.   Graduations are always so bittersweet.  You've just had the best 4 years of your life, and then you have to say goodbye to all of it.  But the experiences and opportunities in front of you are always so exciting.  That's how I feel.  I love my memories, but I know that there is so much more out there for me.

During the whole process, it became clear that I needed to do a few things for me.  After many, many suggestions from my friends, I landed on my 1st decision:  Team in Training.  I decided that I would join The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training group.  What better way than to start a fresh life than with getting myself in shape while helping others?

So, here it goes.  I rented my first apartment alone.  I am packing and moving out of "our" home in the next 7 days.  The pups and I are off to new adventures.  Want to join in?  Keep an eye on the blog!  Follow me through half marathon training, moving, dating, and new adventures.  I promise it won't be boring!


Single....and Loving It?  Correction: Single - and definitely loving it.