I still worry.

I saw a lot of different people this weekend.  That's the way holiday weekends usually end up, right?  An extra day off from work, random gatherings, a little less stress - that's why they are the best weekends :).

I ventured slightly off-topic there.  Basically, I was getting at the fact that people from all different parts of my life were in it this weekend, and they all asked about me.  My life.  My blog.  And what my ex thought of it all.

And to be honest -  I have no idea.  I haven't publicized the blog a ton, so it's not like everyone I know is reading it.  I don't know if he knows it even exists.  But their questions definitely made me think about what he would think. 

It gets into a part of the differences that we had (not good or bad, just a different outlook).  I shared everything.  I like to talk things out.  I like to get opinions from others.  And although I wouldn't blog/tweet/Facebook every detail of my life, I don't mind sharing with the internet.  He isn't quite the same.  Just a lot more private.  I am sure that the idea that I am blogging all of this is stressful to him.  And I don't mean for it to be.  I just need to get these thoughts out, and he might not need to. 

But, it still worries me that he might read something and take it the wrong way.  It's not easy for me, this new life.  But some days are better than others.  And I should be okay with that, right?  But I don't want to hurt any feelings, especially his.  I still worry about that.  I don't know if that ever goes away.

Unexpected.

It arrived like a warm blanket on a cold night.  It surrounded me and encompassed every part of me.  It felt heavy, the weight of it almost unbelieveable.  But it wasn't just around me, it was in my mind, my sight, my thoughts.

But it's summer.  And it's 90 degrees in the shade.  So it's not just a blanket that I am speaking of.

It's loneliness.  Or depression.  Or both.

And it's hit me harder than I expected at this point in time.  I think that I expected this to be behind me.  But it's not.

The "Splitting" In Splitting Up

There's a lot that has to happen as you separate your life from someone else's.  Granted, we didn't own property or have joint bank accounts, but there is still plenty of stuff that needs to be taken care of/divided up/dealt with.

I planned for that.  I knew some of it wouldn't be easy.  Dogs had to be talked about, cellphones unjoined, furniture divided.  There's the uncomfortable discussion about bills that remained to be paid.  I even thought about Facebook, and how we actually weren't "linked" in a relationship on the social network.  It was a relief to not think about flooding everyone's News Feed with "Liz is no longer in a relationship."

However, I didn't plan for the disintegration of our "social" friendships.  I was unfriended on Facebook yesterday, and it was shocking and sort of hurt.  I discovered it purely by chance, a perfect mesh of timing.  

**To be honest, I didn't discover it at all, a friend did....

What's the appropriate response to that?  Obviously I can't do anything about it, but it is one of those things that I wonder about the etiquette.  Is unfriending the ex a standard?  What's the timeframe on it?  Is it ever appropriate for either party to re-friend?

I respect the idea that this might be part of his grieving process.  Part of the way he is also separating things out of his life.  And I want to make that process easy on him, or at least make it not painful.  But it doesn't mean I was prepared for this.  I am so curious about the thought process and reasoning behind it.

So many questions.  Just not so many answers.

It's All About the Energy

Energy.

It's something that I never thought a lot about.  I mean, I've said "I have no energy" or "I feel energized," but I don't know if I have thought about it in different ways.

That changed a little bit this weekend.  Saturday morning was when it all started.  I did another group training run with Team in Training.  I was really, really nervous about the run because it was the first true "long" run - 1 hour.  I didn't necessarily know if I would be able to do it.  I was okay with walking if I needed to, but I still didn't have tons of confidence.  (A big problem - and a post for another day).

Upon arrive at the Leukemia and Lymphoma offices for the run, I ran into an old friend from DePauw.  One of the first things in my head was the memory of how much great energy she always has.  Just that great feeling that exudes off of her body - it's something that I wish I had.  It inspired me to run hard on Saturday morning, and I felt thankful that I had run into her.

Sunday led to another great "energy" experience.  An good friend was in the neighborhood and called me out of the blue for lunch.  Excited, I hurried to meet her.  One of the big things about Katrina is the new energy and calm that just pours out of her.  She has made a lot of changes in her life (better diet, more exercise, different work load), but one of the biggest things that I attribute this new energy off of her is from a class that she took called "Breaking Through."  I honestly don't know a lot about it, but I can tell you one thing - it has truly changed the way that Katrina looks at life.

Our other friend, Nicole, joined us at lunch and Katrina was very excited to ask us to take the class.  Nicole is on her own journey right now, and she definitely is trying to break out of the norm.  I am just ready to spread my wings and learn more about myself.  Because of these things, Katrina was pretty sure that we needed to take this class.  After some discussion, and a little trepidation, Nicole and I have signed up for the class.  I am not sure how I feel about it (there was a part of the application that required me to verify I wasn't pregnant.  What are we doing that pregnant women cannot do!?).

I'm looking forward to seeing what the class has to offer.  If it provides me some new friendships, or even a clearer insight to my own needs, it is probably worth it.  If I can have the type of energy that Katrina has, it would be a miracle.  Nervously, I am worried about having to trust fall (clearly an issue, as I don't trust fall).  I can't imagine a better friend to experience something like this with, so I am cautiously optimistic. 

But you might want to tune in and see how I feel August 24th (the day before the class starts....).

It's A Dog's Life

If you know me (as in, we have chatted for more than 7 minutes), you know that a big part of my life are my children (i.e. my dogs).  I am pretty sure that I am probably one of those annoying people that talk about their dogs at random times, act like they are people (doesn't your dog like certain tv shows?), and make life decisions and plans around their schedule.

I get it - I'm like a cat lady.  But with dogs.

However, no matter your opinion on it, it is what it is.  And they are a huge part of my life.  So moving was definitely a big concern.  Would it ruin their routine?  Could they handle being in their crate for a whole workday?  Would they understand that they could no longer just run out the doggy door to the backyard? 

**The answer is no.  Tucker ran into the sliding glass door twice.  He's adorable, but I am concerned about the brain damage....

9 days in - how do I feel?  Well, pretty good actually.  They are doing great (although I hope that my neighbors feel the same way).  They seem to be adjusting to our new walking schedule, they love the dog park on site, and I think that Bo gets a kick out sitting in one chair and seeing me in most of the house (perk of a 1 bedroom apartment).  For all the worrying I did, they seem to be okay.

Is it weird that I devoted a whole post to them?  Maybe.  But what I am discovering in this journey is that I have a lot of "things" in my life, but not a lot of ideas about how I prioritize them.  My other fear?  Coming home to no one.  But what is always important to me, and always excited to see me as I walk in the door?  Bo and Tucker.

Uncharted Territory

Okay, so maybe the title here is a little dramatic.  However, it's very, very true for me - dating is completely uncharted waters for me.

As noted earlier, my last relationship lasted a long time (longer than most hamsters live).  And although I dated in high school - that's not really adult dating.  And college - well, college dating should be in its own category for so many reasons.  Here are a few:

• "Dates" are almost always on campus.
• You can usually pay the bill with your ID Card.
• Going back to someone's house involves a fraternity, and sometimes a cold dorm (if you don't know what those are, be thankful.).
• Once you are officially "together," it's pretty rare that you continue to do the "dating."  Basically, you live like college students and promise to go home together after the bar closes.

Even after college, my previous boyfriend and I rarely "dated."  And let's be honest - I think I paid the bill as frequently as he did.

**Important side note - I am completely a modern girl.  I don't mind paying or splitting.  But there is something to be said for feeling taken care of or treated special every now and again!

So, now the uncharted territory makes a little more sense.  I haven't done this.  I haven't given cute boys my number, or gone on dates, or worried about how the after-dinner kiss will be.

It makes me really nervous.  I am not good in new situations - I get wrapped up in trying to be appealing/perfect/etc.... and then I get awkward.  And what if conversation runs out!?  What's a go-to topic?  Clearly, according to this news clipping (circa 1955), I should not talk about my dress.  Got it.  I am a preparer, but I do get that notecards would be weird (or would they....).

So I hem and haw and wait.  Inevitably my first date will be painfully awkward, but maybe after the first one, I'll at least have some idea of how it is all supposed to go.

Just Keep....Running

In the midst of all the packing and moving, I haven't forgotten about my other big project - training for the Indianapolis Half Marathon in October.  To be really honest, there has been a day or two during the past week where I probably would have just given up the plan.

I tend to give things up easily when they relate directly to me.  If it's for other people, for work, even for my dogs...I'll stick it out to the end.  But things that are just for me, or to make me healthier/better/etc... - well, those sometimes fall by the wayside in order to accomplish the other goals.

But, this time there is a bigger driver behind my training for a half marathon.  This time I am running to help raise money for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  Team in Training is already proving to be an amazing experience.  I missed the group run on Saturday (due to the move), but I met with Ali at the LLS offices to talk fundraising.  The whole organization is so friendly and helpful - they want you to succeed and fulfill both your monetary and personal goals.  I also ran into another "team member" at the Running Company, and it was just so nice to recognize someone!  I'm definitely meeting new people by doing this.

So why would I be at a point of giving up you ask?  Well, two reasons.  One - it's really easy for me to have excuses (usually the dogs) to not go running.  That's a lot easier now with no one helping to share in the care for them.  I feel bad leaving them even more to go run.  I've gotten over that though.  Today was their first day home "alone" in the new place, and they seem to have done great.  (However, I am looking for a dog walker, so please send suggestions my way!)

The second reason is....the humidity!  I have been trying to run after work, and that is not working.  It is so warm by 5pm, and I have not been hydrating enough during the day.  It makes for really terrible runs after work.  So I am going to try a few new times over the next few days to see how things go.

I am really inspired by the team and by actually running for a cause.  When I think about not going for a training run, I check out my donation page.  I am 35% to my goal - so I would not only be letting the LLS down, but also all of these people that are supporting me!

So, despite everything and all my own negative thoughts, I keep running.

(And 35% isn't 100% - so take a moment to donate!  It will make you feel really, really good and you get one of these adorable thank you cards! *Courtesy of Katie Q Designs*)